Living a Double Life

I didn't realize it, but I'm a double agent.  Let me explain. Megan #1 is current Megan: "Normal" looking by social standards weighing in at 185 lbs and a solid size L/14.  Then there is Megan #2: Megan #2 is old Megan, morbidly obese, not normal looking by any standards and unhealthy.  She hated shopping.  She loved clothes, but nothing that would fit her.  Now, don't get what I say turned around.  BOTH of these people still live inside me.  I still do double-takes when I see face in a mirror, or my collar bones or my body profile.  Who?  Oh. ME?!?  But I am also still totally that same fat girl inside.

What I mean about living a double life is more externally.  Navigating the world as basically an entirely different physical person and mostly interacting with people who knew me before, and after.  Here are two recent examples:

Yesterday I was not feeling well and my Doc sent me to get an abdominal X-ray.  The X-ray tech handed me a gown and shorts to get into.  The shorts were a size small.   Come again?  Now, I mean, these are hardly true sized couture, they were paper shorts, but I know in the past whatever they gave me would not have fit, or they'd have to go "find" some of the huge size in some dusty closet.  AND - they totally would have asked me what size I took so it didn't seem offensive when they came in with a XXXXXL.    So, small shorts (!) on I went in for my x-ray.  I'm lying down and she's trying to line up the camera to my stomach with me on the table.  She pushes one hip bone, the other, finds my ribs, etc.  She's having trouble lining things up and then comments "sorry I just want to get it perfect.  I mean at least you have 'landmarks' to work with.  Hip bone, hip bone OK got it....it's not like the obese people who come in and I'm like Oh My I don't even know where to go.  Guess I'll just line up, shoot and hope for the best".  Um.  WHAAAT?  So, since her comment was completely out of bounds and I think that size discrimination is still unfortunately socially acceptable, what did I say to her.  "I was one of those obese people".  She looks at me.  and looks.  and blinks.  "I had bariatric surgery.  Last year I weighed 335 lbs and you wouldn't have found any hip bones".  Did she apologize?  No.  Did she stammer over her gross generalization?  No.  But I realized that while this stranger just saw me as a "normal" woman, I'm forever obese in my mind.  I've been there.  I've lived that discrimination and it sucks.  What did say was to fawn over my success blah blah.  What ever lady.  You're a bigot.

Similarly I was shopping at the Mall today.  I have no idea what stores are even cool for a 36 year old woman now that I can shop at most any store.  I kind of wandered and ended up in a very cute store that I was worried would run small.  It was a fancy store.  The kind of store where a large seems to be a size 6.  I found a shirt I liked, grabbed it in a Large.  The very nice sales lady opened a dressing room for me and said she was going to grab me a layering tank to try too.  Whatevs.  I go in to try on my shirt and the tank she gave me was a Medium.  Say wha?  Guess what?  She was right.  The Large shirt fit great but I am forever used to getting the largest size so when she came to check on me I showed her and she said she'd get the XL for me if I wanted.  I had her grab it, it was gigantic.  I came out with the Large, kind of in disbelief and bought it.  She's like "which did you go with?" I said "Large" and she said "Good, it fit perfectly.  I didn't know why you asked to see the XL!".  What do I say to that?  Oh well, I'm used to being a 3-4X who couldn't have shopped for anything in this store 13 months ago so it's taking some getting used to?  No.  I just said "oh, thanks!".

Then today I'm getting over this stomach bug and eating bland foods.  I decided to get a bagel for lunch.  I LOVE bagels.  Until 2 weekends ago I hadn't had one from my favorite store since surgery.  So I go in, it's empty b/c it's noon and this counter guy is helping me but the female manager is kind of lurking, counting the register, etc.  It's gotten to where I can tell when people are looking at me in that "do I know her?  do I say something?" kind of way.  Honestly, while it's nice, it's also gotten to the embarrassing stage when people mention my weight loss.  You look great! When you've lost 40 lbs makes your week.  When people are all YOU ARE A DIFFERENT PERSON ZOMG WHAT HAVE YOU DONE it's...a little awkward.  So anyway,  manager lady comes over, points and says "D'you lose a lotta weight?".  "Er, yes", "I KNEW it was you.  I didn't realize it the other day but today I knew it was you.  What did you do?!?!".  This is my eternal battle.  What do you say?  I don't know this woman from adam.  It's also the most embarrassing when it relates to buying food!  I normally joke something like "oh I stopped eating bagels....".  But this woman doesn't seem the joking type so I just said "oh, lots of hard work.  and less bagels..." and skipped out the store.

Who am I?  I'm both people, everyday.